1

Of Hands, Ants and More

hands_by_anthonysarts

Picture courtesy: Anthonysarts on Deviant Art

Hands make me sad,
More often than they make me happy.
Because I think the only thing
Understands loss better than hands
Are your lungs.
Hands document the coming and going
Of lovers, friends, parents and pets.
Because hands touch you,
hands hold you by your waist,
Shake hands, touch feet, run themselves over warm fur,
And often, that’s all you end up remembering.

I thought suicide notes
And especially their last sentences would
Make me want to collapse under the weight
of the fact that I had no choice,
But to be born.
But instead, they just want to make me go to sleep
And wake up only when
I am ready,
or to be fucking honest,
Five minutes after that.

I think of ants and how
They can carry hundred times their body weights
and I wonder,
If I am one of them.
Because whatever is inside
is so goddamned dense and clogged.
Just like the drains outside my home. .
And when it’s monsoon outside windows,
and inside rib-cages,
I think the water that spills out,
is pretty much the same.

Diluted childhoods,
like jars of diluted suplhuric acid
sitting inside chemistry labs during summer vacations; forgotten.
Conveniently.
Children growing up smarter, but more scared
Not of jumping down cliffs at the mercy of bungee cords
Manufactured in assembly lines;
But of giving their everything to be kinder to people,
More tender, more free and more loving
than it is socially acceptable to be.

Poems, not understood;
Rather forgotten to be read by people they got written for in the first place.
Homes, not built, because dowry had to be paid.
Songs, lost, because there was no one you could sing them to.
A friend, who’s not here anymore.
Who’s not anywhere, anymore.
Gone, just like motivation.
Silent like mornings after storms.

0

Why Can’t You Wake Up

1264px-john_henry_fuseli_-_the_nightmare

It starts at the tips of my toes,

spreads through my calves like a knife

and reaches the very insides of my teeth.

An unknown fear, chilling my spine

like a sudden unwelcome winter.

I whisper to myself,

“It’s just a dream, why can’t you wake up?”.

 

I see intruders. People who do not belong

in the insides of my mind, walking around,

like trespassers, so powerful, so free.

I whisper to myself,

“It’s just a dream, why can’t you wake up?”.

 

I’ve robbed banks. Killed people.

Murdered in cold blood. I’ve died.

I’ve felt my mother dying in a dream, inside a dream.

I whisper to myself,

“It’s just a dream, why can’t you wake up?”.

 

I’ve felt the burden of someone’s hands around my chest.

Blue blood, dripping from my wrists,

stone cold, sweaty palms.

I whisper to myself,

“It’s just a dream, why can’t you wake up?”.

 

It’s a scary when dreams end in ends,

when throats are parched dry in mornings.

It’s a scary disease when you know

It’s a dream and you can’t wake up.

 

Why can’t you wake up?

 

This poem is about sleep paralysis, which is basically being aware inside a dream of the fact that they are dreaming, but can’t wake up because the muscles won’t really respond to any stimuli you send to them. For people who want to know more about it, can read stuff here. For those who have experienced it, I feel you. Good luck with it.